The Princess and the Carrot
by Lady Onyx
Summary: Parody to The Princess and the Pea. Prince Gourry is to be married, but how will a princess be found?


The Princess and the Carrot  
By Lady Onyx  
Disclaimer: Insert Standard.

AN: Okay, people, here's the deal. If you're a die-hard Gourry/Lina fan, you might have issues with this fic. I can go either way with how Gourry is paired, and made Sylphielthe princess in this story. For those of you who think you could read this parody without bursting into flame at the thought of Gourry marrying Sylphiel, please enjoy. (I don't have any more fluff in this than is in the series, btw.)

Oh, and if you're wondering why I decided to change the pea to a carrot, I really don't know. Just a whim. It was another whim to have no magic in this universe.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a country called Gorun Nova, which was ruled by the Gabriev family. The king and queen had one son, a talented (but brainless) swordsman by the name of Gourry.

Now, all was peaceful in this fair land, and its problems few and far between. Unfortunately, one of these problems refused to be solved. Prince Gourry, despite having had many adventures and having saved many fair princesses, had yet to find a bride. King Gabriev was not too concerned, but the queen was worried that her son would never get his act together and settle down.

'That brainless boy!' she thought, looking across the table at her son as he ate everything in sight. 'He just doesn't seem to understand that he has to actively court a woman to get married! Very well. I will just have to find him a wife myself.'

There was a knock on the door. The king was busy talking to no one in particular about the recent destruction of the neighboring kingdom of Sairaag, the queen was busy plotting her son's future wedding, and the prince was busy scarfing everything on the table. The knock went unnoticed until it had been repeated several times.

"Really, blowing the whole town to bits, it isn't – I say, what was that?" and the king finally noticed the knocking and called permission to come in.

The butler stood at the door, with a bedraggled young woman next to him. "Your Majesties, this young lady has come to ask for shelter."

The woman spoke up quickly. "I understand that this is forward of me, Your Majesty, but you see, I come from Sairaag, and I really do need your help."

The king blinked in surprise. "Really? A survivor from Sairaag?"

She nodded, the hope in her eyes unmistakable.

The king studied her for a second. Her clothes were so dirty and torn it was impossible to tell what color they were, and her dark hair was long but straggly and unkempt. The young woman had a soft voice and a sincere expression in her face. The king's face broke out into a smile. "Certainly we can provide you shelter! You're quite welcome here!"

Her face lit up. "Oh, really? Thank you so much!"

"Of course, of course," the king assured her. "Stevens," he continued, "make sure a room and clothes are prepared for – " he looked at her.

"Sylphiel. My name is Sylphiel," she provided promptly.

"For Miss Sylphiel," King Gabriev finished. He then ushered Sylphiel into the dining room. Gourry had not even noticed the interruption, but the queen was watching the new arrival with some interest. "Come, come, you must have some food. We eat dinner fairly early here, but I'm sure you could use the meal."

"Um, are you sure?" she asked hesitantly. "If there's not enough… and my clothes are so dirty…" Just as she finished saying it the doors to the kitchens swung open and at least a dozen footmen appeared, bearing trays of more food (mainly for the prince). The king laughed and told her not to worry about it. So Sylphiel sat down to eat dinner with the royal family.

Sylphiel had just barely picked up a fork when she was interrupted by the sounds of vigorous eating nearby. "He certainly gets into his eating, doesn't he?" she asked, glancing over at the blond prince.

"Well, this _is_ a pretty bad first impression," his father admitted. "But he's normally a perfect gentleman." The meal continued without further interruption until everyone but Gourry had finished eating.

"Miss Sylphiel," the king asked as his plate was cleared, "could you please tell us your first-hand account of what happened to Sairaag?"

"Honestly!" Queen Gabriev spoke up. "You shouldn't ask her such a thing right now!"

"But we must know what happened before we can act," the king reminded his wife before turning back towards Sylphiel. "I'm not asking for any details, but it's important we know what happened for sure," he said gently.

Sylphiel was looking down at the table, an obvious air of sadness around her. "Yes… I understand." She was quiet for a few minutes, and then seemed to pull herself together. "It was a surprise attack by Lord Rezo, of the Yrotarobal City-State. He used his minions to secretly plant high-level explosives…"

The king nodded, taking in every word. The prince just kept eating. And the queen sat watching the new guest, wondering if she was the Sylphiel the queen thought she was.

* * *

"Are you lost?"

Sylphiel spun at the sound of the friendly voice. It belonged to Prince Gourry. "Oh… Yes, a bit," she admitted.

"Are you going to your room? I'll take you there," he offered.

"Oh, thank you, but I was looking for the kitchens," Sylphiel explained. "Cooking is very relaxing for me, and I feel I need an outlet…" Sylphiel had bathed and changed into clean clothes, but there were still a couple hours until the time she normally went to bed, and the recent events had been distressing, so Sylphiel decided to do something productive to counter the feelings of loss and emptiness that were threatening her peace.

"Oh, sure! This way!" Gourry held out an arm.

Smiling, Sylphiel took it, and they walked down towards the kitchens together, talking quite amiably.

"And I'm pretty good at chocolate éclairs," Sylphiel was heard to say as the pair passed Queen Gabriev's drawing room. The queen looked up in time to see the two walk down the hall.

Gourry was ready to drool at this point. "You'll let me try these, won't you, Sylphiel?"

Sylphiel laughed, remembering the prince's appetite. "Of course!"

The queen sat contemplating for a moment. From all the evidence, it seemed as though her son and their guest would make a good couple. Unfortunately, Gourry could only marry Sylphiel if she was a princess.

The queen sighed at this point in her thoughts. This was where things got complicated. Sylphiel was the name of Sairaag's sole princess, and the Sylphiel here at the castle seemed to have some resemblance to the king of Sairaag. But Sylphiel had never claimed to be Sairaag's princess. The queen could be mistaken. But on the other hand, their guest had manners and grace to equal any princess. But what if (worse than any mistake) this girl was fully aware that she could pass for a member of Sairaag's royalty and was pretending to be Princess Sylphiel so she could snag Gourry?

By this time Queen Gabriev was wishing heartily that she had actually seen Princess Sylphiel, not just her father. She gazed outside for a few minutes, mulling over all the possibilities, until a sudden thought struck her. Of course! She would look in the _Universal Guide to Royalty_. There was sure to be something in there!

The queen quickly retrieved the book and began to flip through its pages. There _had_ to be some way to determine whether or not Sylphiel was a princess. Time ticked by, until the queen found something that sounded promising.

_The princess, especially, is a delicate and sensitive creature. Perhaps the freedom from the stress and cares of co-ruling a country combine with youth to give the princess a certain receptive nature, such that a princess could easily feel a single carrot placed beneath a whole score of mattresses._

"Ahah," the queen murmured under her breath. "I shall be able to find out tonight." And she went away to call the housekeeper.

* * *

"Wow… That's a lot of mattresses," Gourry stated the obvious.

Sylphiel nodded. Gourry had escorted her back to her room after an enjoyable evening spent in the kitchens (the way to Gourry's heart is through his stomach…) only to be informed that Sylphiel had been moved to a different room. The two were assured that the queen had been concerned that Sylphiel would not be comfortable in the first room and had personally taken care of Sylphiel's accommodations.

Sylphiel remembered commenting on how kind that was, but now all she could think of was how she was to sleep on _that_. The new room had a dreadfully high ceiling, and the mattresses were piled up until they almost reached it. How would she get up there? And (a chill ran down her spine) what if she fell off?

"Are you going to be all right here?" Gourry asked, looking concerned.

Sylphiel quickly hid her concern. After all, the Gabrievs had been very generous to take her in, and had shown her the best of care. She couldn't be ungrateful for the queen's efforts on her behalf, even if they were rather eccentric efforts. "Oh, I'll be fine," she answered with a smile.

"Are you sure?" Gourry asked, still concerned.

"Of course! And thank you for seeing me to my room." she added, smiling more genuinely as she remembered the past couple hours spent with the blond prince. He had made her feel right at ease from the very beginning, and being with someone like him had helped her through the past little while, in which the grief over losing her father had become even greater than usual. She had lost him several days ago and was beginning to miss him terribly.

"Well… I guess if you're sure." Unwilling to press a lady, Gourry wished her goodnight and departed.

As soon as he had left Sylphiel turned back to her bed with a face full of dismay. "Oh, dear… What should I do? I would just sleep on the floor, but it's made of hard wood, and I wouldn't get much sleep on that. And I'm so tired from traveling here…" She walked around to the other side of the bed, wondering what to do. Here she found a ladder, which, she supposed, was better than nothing.

The next morning the royal family began eating at the normal hour, despite the fact that their guest was not present. "She must be tired," they said. "We'll let her sleep in."

However, they had barely started eating when Sylphiel walked in, looking even more tired than she had yesterday, and bruised to boot.

"Sylphiel!" Gourry exclaimed, jumping up.

"What happened!" exclaimed King Gabriev, who also rose from his chair.

"Oh, well… Um, I'm sorry, but… Well, there must have been something in my bed, because I couldn't find a comfortable position at all," Sylphiel told them, making it sound like a confession. "I just tossed and turned all night…" Dimly, she wondered if she should have slept on the floor.

"Well, good!" exclaimed the queen, looking very happy. Everyone else stared at her in surprise.

"You see, my dear," the queen explained, "I had to make sure you really were Princess Sylphiel of Sairaag."

"Oh!" And Sylphiel promptly went red. "I-I'm sorry for not saying anything, but I wasn't sure you would believe me… We've never met before, you see, and --"

"Don't worry about it, dear. Gourry, take Princess Sylphiel back to her room – the first room – so she can get some sleep."

"Thank you," Sylphiel said gratefully.

Queen Gabriev snagged Gourry on his way to the door. "Gourry, dear, ask her to marry you."

Gourry blinked in surprise, looking as though a thought like marriage had never entered into his head.

'I knew it,' the queen sighed to herself.

But this new idea must not have been unpleasant to the prince, for he did propose to the surprised but pleased Sylphiel. They were married two months later, and (of course) lived happily ever after.

* * *

AN: I've always (or at least since I thought about it) wondered two things about the _Princess and the Pea_ story. One: Why was the princess out all alone? and Two: How is a pea supposed to expose a princess? So, I explained both questions (without magic being in this universe – I guess that provided more of an explanation for the original fairytale for me, since there was no magic in the fairytale.)

Overall, though, I rather like the traditional fairytales. I want to write at least one more Slayers-Fairytale parody (maybe two), so if you liked this, stay tuned! Remember: REVIEWS ARE TASTY.


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